A client can say one sentence and there may be five different things inside it.

“I know what to do. I just don’t do it.”

On the surface, it sounds straightforward.

She knows the behaviour she wants to change.

She isn’t doing it.

Problem identified.

Except that isn’t really where my attention goes.

When someone says that to me in coaching, I’m listening for everything around the sentence.

I’m listening to the language

“I should be able to do this.”

“I have to get this under control.”

“I always fall off.”

“I never stick to anything.”

“I can’t say no.”

Those words matter.

Not because I’m correcting someone’s grammar.

Because language often gives us clues about how someone is experiencing the problem.

“I chose not to” feels very different from “I can’t.”

“I ate more than I planned” feels very different from “I have no control.”

One describes something that happened.

The other starts becoming an identity.

I’m listening for the rule

A lot of us have rules we don’t realize are rules.

“I can relax when everything is done.”

“I shouldn’t disappoint people.”

“A good mom takes care of everyone.”

“If I start something, I need to do it properly.”

“I shouldn’t need help.”

Nobody hands us a laminated card with these rules written on it.

We collect them.

From childhood.

From families.

From work.

From relationships.

From experiences that taught us what we needed to do to feel safe, accepted, useful, successful or in control.

Then years later, we live as though they are facts.

I’m listening for what happens right before the behaviour

Let’s say someone wants to stop eating every night after dinner.

The obvious question is:

“What are you eating?”

But I might be more interested in:

What happens at 8:30?

Who is still asking something of you?

What happened at work?

What does sitting down finally feel like?

Is that snack hunger?

Reward?

Relief?

Rebellion?

Comfort?

The behaviour might be the last step in a sequence that started hours earlier.

If we only focus on the food, we may miss the whole pattern.

I’m listening for what the behaviour is doing for you

This is one people sometimes resist at first.

Because if you hate the behaviour, why would you be doing it for a reason?

But humans usually don’t keep repeating behaviours that do absolutely nothing for them.

The payoff may be incredibly short term.

Ten minutes of quiet.

Avoiding discomfort.

Feeling in control.

Not disappointing someone.

Getting relief from pressure.

Feeling rewarded.

That doesn’t mean the behaviour is the best way to get that need met.

It means there is something worth understanding before we try to rip the behaviour away.

This is what coaching looks like for me

I’m not sitting there waiting to tell you what to do.

Usually you already know quite a lot.

I’m listening for the pattern you may not be able to hear because you’re inside it.

And once we can see that pattern, the conversation changes.

Instead of:

“How do I force myself to stop?”

we can ask:

“What keeps happening here?”

And that question gives us somewhere much more useful to go.

This is the work I love most.

Not simply changing what you do, but understanding what has been driving it.

If you’re curious about what that kind of coaching could look like for you, you can learn more here: www.wellnesswithwisdom.com